so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
