What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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