I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
