I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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