Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You work out of a Hotel?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
