I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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