He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
