remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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