i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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