She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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