This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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