she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
