You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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