I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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