Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
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Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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