apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
