I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
