Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
