They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
