Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
