I met the friendliest cop last night
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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