I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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