I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
