last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
