I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
