By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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