When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
