When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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