I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
