they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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