omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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