I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
