Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
