i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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