Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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