ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
