The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
