I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
