She is in my trunk
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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