Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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