Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
