there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
