I wish my penis had an off switch
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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