I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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