Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
