My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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