you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
