I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
