WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
