And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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