i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
please come you make the beer taste better
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
