I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
